I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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