I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
