I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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