Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
