Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
