the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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