I'm so fucking centered right now
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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