I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I want to fling myself into the sun
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
