so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
