I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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