I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
