Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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