His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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