i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
