cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
love makes seman taste better
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
