John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Randomize
