The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Randomize