1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
