He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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