I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize