You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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