I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
