Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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