I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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