Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
