The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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