just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
