We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
