YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
