You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
