New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
