Where are you?
In a non slutty way
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
