just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm eating all of the evidence.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
