Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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