You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
