So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
