I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
