he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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