it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
