just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Randomize
