If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Randomize
