remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Just puked most of my soul out..
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
