if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
