Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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