I'm gonna have a badass scar
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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