Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
