3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
