i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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