too bad you live with your parents still
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
