I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
