Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Randomize
