How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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