so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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