Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
