I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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