YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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