at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
