I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
