you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
OPIZZABONMYDICK
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
