I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize