Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
