How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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