Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize