Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
