Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
